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Huge Dowry or Huge Differences

| November 10, 2014 | 14 Comments

Weddings in India are steeped in tradition and culture. One of the traditions that have been passed down in time is the system of dowry.  The groom’s parents place a series of demands before the bride’s parents to give dowry items such as household appliances, color television, motor cycle or car, ornaments of pure gold of sizable quantity, money, flat or plot of land, furniture, etc.






home appliances



All of the above items look good especially huge dowries reflecting the so-called status of the girl’s family on the wedding day. 

Unfortunately the long lasting significance of all of the above items in the marital journey is almost like that of a mustard seed.

rai seed

The society has been brainwashed that a fat dowry makes a big difference in the bride’s future life.  Parents should understand that it is not the dowry or a grand wedding that makes a difference in marriage but it is the differences between the marital partners that have a greater impact on the marriage.

Some of the following differences make or mar the marital journey:

  1. In-Laws & Extended Family Involvement
  2. Communication Patterns: Good communication is essential to a thriving marriage,
  3. Balance Between Home & Work
  4. Age differences
  5. Cultural differences
  6. Financial: Most couples argue over bills, debt, spending, and other financial issues.
  7. Religious Beliefs: Different beliefs about respect for human life and other moral values are deeply rooted.
  8. Children
  9. Parenting
  10. Sexual Intimacy and infidelity are common sources of stress and disharmony in a marriage.
  11. Physical separation or lack of quality time together serves to get people out of sync with each other.
  12. Household responsibilities
  13. Personal Habits: Many people are married to someone who has one or more habits they find undesirable.
  14. Expectations: Unmet expectations are a major source of conflict in marriages.
  15. Personality Problems
  16. Commitment: inability to make a lasting commitment.
  17. Differences in emotional needs

It is therefore more prudent to choose between huge dowry or huge differences in marital partners and seek an amiable partnership rather than indulging in the criminal dowry system that has devastated the Society paving way for many more social evils.

Your Value Check:

Circle the values in column 1 that are most important to you. Consider that some values may initially appeal to you but upon deeper reflection (column 2) you realize that you don’t always hold them as a priority. Then rank them in importance from 1-14. Discuss with your fiance'(e) or spouse.

   Column-1                                                Column-2

1. Honesty                        Yes, but sometimes it’s OK to fudge.
2. Commitment               Sure, but some commitments are just too hard to keep.
3. Fidelity                          I don’t plan on having an affair but who knows the future.
4. Loyalty                          It might be necessary to violate a loyalty if another’s safety is at risk.
5. Devotion to parents   Parents are important, but spouse comes first.
6. Generosity                    I’ll give, but only after I’ve taken care of myself.
7. Peacemaking                Sometimes evil needs to be confronted, even with violence.
8. Living simply               I work hard for my money. Why can’t I enjoy its rewards?
9. Kindness                       Some people are too kind and others take advantage of them.
10. Self-control                 I believe in being flexible and spontaneous, not being uptight.
11. Education                    Education is over-rated. I wouldn’t sacrifice current wants for it.
12. Sacrifice        Suffering and delayed gratifications has no use and are to be avoided.
13. Friendship                  Friends are nice, but family and spouse are more important.
14. Children                      I value my freedom more.

Source:, values:

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About the Author (Author Profile)

I’m Fayaz Pasha from Bangalore, the Silicon Valley and Garden City of India. I’m a Certified Life Coach and an NLP Practitioner. I love reading, writing and convey my thoughts through Poetry. I would like to make my humble contribution to the Society through this blog towards detoxification of social evils particularly the dowry system.

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Comments (14)

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  1. M. Razi says:

    An eye opener article by Fayaz Pasha.
    Lets have a pledge (parents & children) that we will not give dowry and
    will not take dowry. If we are committed to our pledge Allah will guide us to the right path.

    • Fayaz Pasha says:

      Very true! It’s time that the society takes a pledge not to indulge in this mother of all evils dowry system that has ruined many many lives. May Allah guide us all.

      Thank you Mr. Razi for dropping by and your kind comment.

  2. Mirza Zaheer Baig says:

    The real life facts were nicely shown by Mr. Fayaz. I believe everyone irrespective of the age group should read and learn.
    Thank you Fayaz sab

  3. Mohammed Naveed says:

    Very Nice Article Fayaz bhai. Yes exactly this is only happening in our society.Day by this cruel tradition continuing by our elders.
    Actually every Muslim boy is educating the real Islam,observing the culture of world by working in Gulf,abroad. But problem is our elders. Even boy is not interested to take dowry but parents are forcing to take dowry..Otherwise they treating as insulting and misbehaving of parents. Parents theory is we are giving dowry by our girl, then why should not charge dowry from other girl ? In my point of view young generation is practicing real Islam, but our elders are just continuing and forcing to believe False and fake and unwritten traditions.

    • Fayaz Pasha says:

      Naveed Bhai, you have hit on the bulls eye. The younger generation has realized that this dowry disease has created untold miseries in the Society and are therefore making informed choices. The real problem is that parents want to continue with this barter system of taking and giving dowries or they believe that giving huge dowry would pave a way for their daughter’s happy life. Both assumptions have jeopardized the Society and given rise to many social evils.

      Thank you once again for your kind comments.

  4. qamer khan says:

    Perfect and definitely a need of an hour. Todays in our society DOWRY is deeply rooted. but there is another problem of newly married couple, that also to be addressed. The Bride or Groom both reluctant to mingle with inlaws. they find so many silly small things which they can be easily ignore. but dont. so small issues makes (intentionally) very big. after so much discussion and talks finally they will be endorsed to start new separate life, which normally bride prefers. so my req to readers is to advice both bridegroom how to mingle in susral and how to ignore confrontation. give tips to bride how to remove hurdles of self ego in order to mingle in susral definitely for some time atleast.

    • Fayaz Pasha says:

      Very rightly said Qamar Bhai. The point of the fact is that we plan for several years about the wedding day and prepare for it in all respects. Unfortunately, we never bother to prepare or educate our children about the various aspects of marital life, the real differences that arise and how to overcome them in order to lead a better life. Marital education particularly in this age is highly recommended to train couples for a better understanding as to how to cope up with In-Laws as well as other aspects of daily life.

      Thank you Qamar Bhai for your kind input.

  5. abdul kaleem says:

    Nice//points dowry is haram for this matter of dowry we have to work hard with aleem khan falki.

    • Fayaz Pasha says:

      Very true and yes Brother Aleem Khan Falki has been doing a wonderful job to educate the Society about the various evils of dowry system. We all need to work hard to address this evil practice.

  6. Renuka says:

    Nicely laid out points! I think everyone should read it and analyse their conscience.

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