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Bride’s Family Is Visiting Bridegroom’s Family

| March 3, 2014 | 6 Comments

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

“Henry Ford hired an efficiency expert to go through his plant. He said, “Find the nonproductive people. Tell me who they are, and I will fire them!”

The expert made the rounds with his clipboard in hand and finally returned to Henry Ford’s office with his report. “I’ve found a problem with one of your administrators,” he said. “Every time I walked by, he was sitting with his feet propped up on the desk. The man never does a thing. I definitely think you should consider getting rid of him!” When Henry Ford learned the name of the man the expert was referring to, Ford shook his head and said, “I can’t fire him. I pay that man to do nothing but think – and that’s what he’s doing.”

Now let’s think differently:

Until recent years it was customary for the bridegrooms’ parents to visit the bride’s family in order to choose their Daughter-In-Law.  On the other hand, the bride’s family would make all out efforts to please the visitors. The various arrangements would be meticulously planned to give them their best impression. An hour before the bridegroom family’s arrival would be impatiently and anxiously spent just like waiting to watch the Halley’s Comet.

After arrival, the bridegroom’s parents and the entourage quickly make an estimation of the bride’s financial status in their first look. If this first aspect should be unappealing or unsatisfactory, the second aspect regarding the bride’s inspection would become more stringent and cumbersome. The bride’s face, cheeks, nose, eyes, ears, lips, teeth, chin, hair, arms, fingers, feet, voice, her talking and walking style would all be carefully scrutinized.

The result was usually based upon the financial status of the bride’s family (including dowry offered) and then the requirement for the bride to be the most beautiful girl. If these two aspects were satisfactory, the first meeting would culminate in a ‘YES’. If the bride’s family status (wealth) was not up to the expectations, it would be said, ‘we will let you know soon’ and the answer over the phone would be:

  • The girl’s height is slightly less than the boy’s height
  • The girl is employed and we need a housewife.
  • The girl is less educated than the boy
  • The girl’s nose is too small
  • The girl is not fair

Thus, several visits by various families had forced the girls to endure pain, humiliation and embarrassment and it sometimes lead many girls to a low self-esteem or depression.

However, the whole scenario changed as more and more girls realized that if they were the sponsors for the wedding expenses, dowry payment and all other financial matters, then, why on earth they should allow the bridegroom’s family to further victimize them emotionally. Hence, the bride’s families felt it was necessary for them to visit the bridegroom’s family in order to ascertain if the bridegroom and his family are financially sound as well as to learn more about their antecedents before finalizing the proposal. It was also felt important to know if the household in which their daughter would spend the rest of her life is congenial.

Ever since this trend was established, many boys and their families have realized the pain and humiliation due to rejection by the bride’s family. In some rare cases, the bride and her parents make the first visit and if satisfied they invite other family members at the time of signing the “Pre-Marital Agreement”.

Some of the reasons for rejecting the would-be-bridegrooms are as follows:

  • The bridegroom’s gross salary as per the ‘Pay Slip’ is quite less after deductions.
  • The bridegroom spends too much time on Whats-App.
  • The bridegroom lacks vision for the family.
  • The kitchen as well as the bedroom is too small. 
  • The washing machine and other appliances are too old

Sometimes the following conversation takes place before such a visit:

Mom: We are getting late, hurry up. I hope you would say “Yes” at least this time!

Would-be-bride: Mama! I’m not going to a vegetable market to buy onions or carrots but I’m going to choose a life partner, a financial provider, a leader of the house. Let’s first make sure about this aspect.  Also, I want to know the place where I’m going to spend the rest of my life. It should be a safe haven and not like the Alcatraz Island. Let’s see if the family we’re visiting fits our expectations and then I will decide whether to say “Yes” or “No”

If the bride’s family is visiting bridegroom’s family to choose the bridegroom and finalize the proposal, would there be any more reasons to reject proposals?

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About the Author (Author Profile)

I’m Fayaz Pasha from Bangalore, the Silicon Valley and Garden City of India. I’m a Certified Life Coach and an NLP Practitioner. I love reading, writing and convey my thoughts through Poetry. I would like to make my humble contribution to the Society through this blog towards detoxification of social evils particularly the dowry system.
You can contact me by writing to me at

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Comments (6)

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  1. Anita says:

    Fayazji, You have expressed everything so correctly. This is the way it is! Really unfortunate that the girl has to be shown around as if she is a commodity…
    Society has to evolve & not treat women like items & as ‘paraya dhan’. Much change needed…

    • Fayaz Pasha says:

      It is unfortunate indeed. On one side the parents are stressed and on the other side the bride-to-be is also stressed due to the customs that make her a showpiece where several strangers are allowed to inspect her and pass judgement.

  2. Athenas Take says:

    Choosing a life partner for either sex is not easy but thinking and taking decisions is welcome on both sides. The bride should also make an effort to see if the groom is suitable for her. Relationships work when both parties come together and so taking the right decision is crucial again on both ends.
    Athenas Take recently posted…Essence of RelationshipsMy Profile

    • Fayaz Pasha says:

      Choosing a partner is one of the vital decisions in life. However, the role of approval and rejection which is solely at the hands of the bridegroom & his family has caused enough misery to many girls and that needs to be redressed.

  3. sindhoooo says:

    Very interesting one Fayazji! In fact, bride has to visit the groom’s house and judge if she can manage. This custom is present in our caste (Havyaka Brahmin) after the first round ‘OK’ing from both the sides :)
    sindhoooo recently posted…How To Draft Basic (Plain) Set-in Sleeves?My Profile

    • Fayaz Pasha says:

      Thank you! Isn’t it fair for her also to have a say if her abode is worth occupying for the rest of her life. We hesitate to rent out a hotel room for a night if we find that that the hotel is in a bad neighborhood or is ill-equipped. When brides are made to meet all marital expenses, they also should have the right to approve the bridegroom or his house where they would be staying after marriage.

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